A moment.

A moment.

I am a grown woman of 26 years old. And I am currently sat on a boat in the middle of phi phi in Thailand and I’m quite frankly having abit of a moment. I look around me and everyone seems to have a purpose. And if they don’t they are either young enough or mental enough to get away with it. And if I’m honest to myself I guess I’m neither of those things. I once sat with someone who was the most obnoxious, arrogant, loud, bolshy person you could meet. I got a little closer then most I guess, and as we sat in the dark, tears streaming down his cheeks, I masked my fear at what he was saying with a beer. I held his hand as he cried, cried at something he was struggling to put into words but I understood all too clearly. He’s 27. He has an alcohol problem. He’s a borderline creative genious, he’s wasted it all. What does he do after Asia, where does he go from here, he can’t “be himself” where he comes from, but he can hes just scared to because what he really is has been turned into something he really isn’t by spending too long losing himself in alcohol and madness in Asia. Where the turnaround of people in your life is so fast you can be anything you want, and if that person goes wrong, well it doesn’t matter. 95% of people you see in your daily life your never going to see again. And this kind of liberation can change a person. He was conflicted, scared by the inner knowledge that just maybe he’s going to have to leave Asia and confront what he’s turned himself into because he never made it “as himself”, its too late now, he’s missed the boat, people will look at him in the real world and go, what a shame he could of been something. And in the dark, as I said all the right things and tried to be as comforting as possible, my own self trembled a little. If he’s cracked, then there’s no chance for the rest of us, and his words affected me deeper then he could possibly have known.
What happens when you do stop running?? Don’t get me wrong it’s fabulous travelling around the world, doing what you want, answerable to no one, but sometimes it can be lonely. And what are we all really looking for? The big gap of the unknown inside, can easily be shoved to the back whilst dancing on a stage drinking ethanol out of buckets, but I’m finding it harder and harder to ignore the niggling it jabs me with on an increasing daily basis. Yeh, this is fun, but are you really happy, are you really fulfilled. Are you making the most of yourself. Who are you, really? You can vaguely voice these things to friends you’ve known for a few months here, and vaguely get the exact same response as I gave to my friend: don’t be silly, everything’s fine, you’re a great person, lets have a drink come on. It’ll buy you a few days, weeks even. But it’s not enough, and when you actually confront this face to face its scary, it makes me want to cry too sometimes.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that you can look and look, and ask and ask, search under rocks, the bottom of a bottle, beautiful beaches around the world. But if you don’t know what you’re looking for yourself, then how the hell is anyone else meant to know. And that can be unnerving for anyone. What do I need to do? What do I do next? Who am I, really, and what am I looking for?
Answers on the back of a postcard please.