I have a baby now. Five little words to sum up the supernova that exploded into my life 2 months ago. I had 9 months to prepare for the arrival of Mollie, and of course was epically unprepared when she got here. But that wasn’t for the lack of information out there.. oh no there is an astounding amount of material available, books, apps, websites, forums, baby centres, magazines, shops, catalogues, you name it. And that is of course excluding the abundant freely given advice of the ravenous masses the second they see you have a bump. But there was a few things that nothing and nobody prepared me for, so here are some of best bits, in my humble opinion, that nobody told me about. Enjoy!

1. Nipples. Tiny little buds of joy that win you wet T-shirt competitions and peek out cheekily from the occasional wardrobe malfunction. I loved my nipples, a delightful shade of English rose, they never let me down and could even sense when it was raining (true story) – we had a gentle and loving relationship. Not. Any. More. That ravenous little mouth has claimed them as her own personal chewy toys, and the ferocity with which they are attacked 8 plus times a day is terrifying. I have actually apologized out loud to them before.

2. Leading on from that, it is almost worth it to see her face when she sees them. I mean, my boobs have always got a reasonable reception but this is out of control – think one of those puppies that gets so overexcited at christmas that it pees itself. All four limbs go into starfish mode like you’re about to hug your best friend that you haven’t seen in 20 years, and then the celebratory kicking and fist pumping starts. Sometimes she gets so overwhelmed she cries. I imagine this is what Justin Bieber feels like.

3. Crying. Yep, all the gleeful 40 something mothers were right. They cry, LOUDLY, and you get tired, very tired. What they didn’t tell me (or maybe it’s just me!) is how funny it can be. I feel awful about this, but sometimes when she’s really working into one and I know that theres nothing wrong with her, I can’t help but dissolve into peals of laughter. She goes tomato red, her whole face scrunches up, and her eyes do this crazy bulgy thing. It is like literally the worst thing that has ever happened to anybody in the whole history of the world is happening to her right now – probably not helped by her mother cracking up on the sidelines. But seriously her little face is so expressive you just can’t take it seriously. I have guilt about this, but not much. Lol.

4. Nobody said anything about how difficult it is to get out of bed with no arms. This is a big one. You’ve got one eye twitching, hair on end, definite arthritis in your spine which has siezed up from not moving for the last hour – but she is asleep. Nestled peacefully in your arms without a care in the world. You’re so tired you’re willing to sell your soul to the devil in exchange for a nap, but all the stuff you’ve read about the dangers of falling asleep with them in your bed is ricocheting around the inside of your head… you have to put her down but you have to move from this sacred position of peace. I’m quite sure I have actually broken my back in complete silence in the quest to reach the cot with both her eyes still closed. Seriously, try lying in the middle of the bed with a bag of potatoes in your arms and getting to a standing position without waking them up. The struggle is real.

5. Sometimes you’re breastfeeding away, engrossed in some shit series on Netflix that has become your vicarious life, when you’re suddenly aware that you havn’t felt anything or heard the tell-tale slurping sounds in a while. It’s all too quiet, so you look down and BAM:

Sweet Jesus.

6.Mess. Yep all the gleeful 40 something mothers were right. Mess accumulates fast like some unstoppable natural disaster. I had actually accepted long ago that I am just simply not one of those naturally tidy people, but it’s a matter of minutes, not days before the house looks like a crime scene. And it might very well have been after nearly breaking my neck on a stray fucking gro-swaddle lying right on the path to the fridge. The rage.

7.Snapchat filters on babies are hilarious.

8. That weird smell. I noticed it straight away, whiffs here, blasts there. Definitely not poo, but more like some kind of gone off yogurt. It took several dogged searches of the fridge before I realised it was me. Or more precisely my shoulder, which is the regurgitating spot of choice. Man, that cottage cheesy menace gets everywhere. Now of course I hardly bat an eyelid, even if my pyjamas are actually crunchy at times. I bought a pair of blackout curtains the other day in the optimistic hope of making daytime dark. The lady anxiously told me that there was a small stain at the bottom corner of one, did I mind? I smiled.

9.But before its ingested and recycled back up onto the one clean top I’ve just put on, breast milk actually tastes alright!

Tiny bundle of awesomeness. Hehe.