A moment.

A moment.

I am a grown woman of 26 years old. And I am currently sat on a boat in the middle of phi phi in Thailand and I’m quite frankly having abit of a moment. I look around me and everyone seems to have a purpose. And if they don’t they are either young enough or mental enough to get away with it. And if I’m honest to myself I guess I’m neither of those things. I once sat with someone who was the most obnoxious, arrogant, loud, bolshy person you could meet. I got a little closer then most I guess, and as we sat in the dark, tears streaming down his cheeks, I masked my fear at what he was saying with a beer. I held his hand as he cried, cried at something he was struggling to put into words but I understood all too clearly. He’s 27. He has an alcohol problem. He’s a borderline creative genious, he’s wasted it all. What does he do after Asia, where does he go from here, he can’t “be himself” where he comes from, but he can hes just scared to because what he really is has been turned into something he really isn’t by spending too long losing himself in alcohol and madness in Asia. Where the turnaround of people in your life is so fast you can be anything you want, and if that person goes wrong, well it doesn’t matter. 95% of people you see in your daily life your never going to see again. And this kind of liberation can change a person. He was conflicted, scared by the inner knowledge that just maybe he’s going to have to leave Asia and confront what he’s turned himself into because he never made it “as himself”, its too late now, he’s missed the boat, people will look at him in the real world and go, what a shame he could of been something. And in the dark, as I said all the right things and tried to be as comforting as possible, my own self trembled a little. If he’s cracked, then there’s no chance for the rest of us, and his words affected me deeper then he could possibly have known.
What happens when you do stop running?? Don’t get me wrong it’s fabulous travelling around the world, doing what you want, answerable to no one, but sometimes it can be lonely. And what are we all really looking for? The big gap of the unknown inside, can easily be shoved to the back whilst dancing on a stage drinking ethanol out of buckets, but I’m finding it harder and harder to ignore the niggling it jabs me with on an increasing daily basis. Yeh, this is fun, but are you really happy, are you really fulfilled. Are you making the most of yourself. Who are you, really? You can vaguely voice these things to friends you’ve known for a few months here, and vaguely get the exact same response as I gave to my friend: don’t be silly, everything’s fine, you’re a great person, lets have a drink come on. It’ll buy you a few days, weeks even. But it’s not enough, and when you actually confront this face to face its scary, it makes me want to cry too sometimes.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that you can look and look, and ask and ask, search under rocks, the bottom of a bottle, beautiful beaches around the world. But if you don’t know what you’re looking for yourself, then how the hell is anyone else meant to know. And that can be unnerving for anyone. What do I need to do? What do I do next? Who am I, really, and what am I looking for?
Answers on the back of a postcard please.

4 thoughts on “A moment.

  1. I think this kind of existential crisis is actually a really good thing, as hard as it may be to see it as such in the moment. Most people your age are going to experience the same exact thing, but how many will have the benefit of being in a place where the options of what you can do are nearly endless? You’re wondering what you’re doing with your life… On what is arguably one of the most beautiful places in the world. You’re not stuck behind a desk questioning your career decision and if it’s taking you down a path you really don’t want to travel. You’re not regretting your decision to start a family, because you don’t think you can support them financially. You’ve been given the opportunity to circumvent all of those things. You have the chance to REALLY find out who you are, and who you want to be, and then be able to start yourself on the path to the life that will truly make you happy.

    For some people, maybe that happiness does come from backpacking around the world on their own, finding peace within themselves through singularity and seeking solace in their independence, and they learned this after experiencing a similar existential crisis to yours. Use the freedom you’re lucky enough to have to get introspective. Sit out on that boat for a while and just think about things. How do you want the rest of your life to play out? Don’t know? What do you want the next step in your life to be? Are you happy in your current situation? Is there a different situation which would make you happier? Do it clear-headed, and let yourself get carried away within your own life. It’s up to you to choose what happens next – make it an introspectively-informed decision.

    Like

  2. Bedsi, in all this years we’ve known each other you never doubted in yourself , you always been doing what you want and nothing never stopped you , something/someone could slow you down in achieving your goal but never nothing made you start thinking “why I’m doing this”. I understand that now you are in a different world , you have friends who come and go and not always have someone to cuddle .. but you do something you always wanted! You are traveling , seeing things people like us can only dream about , doing stuff not many would do ( just of the simple fact that would be too scared ) , sunbathing in a beaches we can only see in the movies .. You live your dream !! No one ever said that everything will be perfect but that’s the way it is, you have to keep balance in nature.. If everything would be perfect and nothing would go bad you wouldn’t appreciate the great things happening to you !! You are smart , beautiful , vivacious person with the biggest heart , I’ve ever met who would die for her friends and give the shirt of your own back for the stranger in need !! I’m proud to call you my best friend and don’t you ever doubt that !! And everyone who cant see this can fuck off cos they are not worth of wasting your time and energy πŸ™‚ And remember you always be a Crawley girl ( be proud of that) who went to have that amazing adventure and find happiness which sadly wasn’t here for you 😦 but now .. Please live with no regrets cos life is too short , enjoy your time and when you start feeling unhappy just move on and leave this shit behind ..don’t think Too much about people are not worth it, don’t do what you don’t fancy, just be free πŸ˜‰ and when you decide that traveling is not for you anymore and you wanna come back you do have family and friends here who will ALWAYS wait for you !! We will figure out our next step , we always do ;-P beside we do have plans.. We do have goals.. We just putted them on a side for while so you can go and find that happy fluffy Bedsi I’ve met years ago !! Nothing is lost, and it’s absolutely NOTHING WE CAN’T SORT OUT TOGETHER !!
    So of you are keep asking yourself that question ” who am I?” There is your answer- You Are Niki ” Spongie”Bedson, The most amazing, crazy , loveable, huggable person i know !! And I DO love you ALWAYS xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s