As all you who’ve known me for more then 24 hours will probably know, I have a life long, deep seated and unmovable aversion to snorers. I think it’s an utterly unnecessary, particularly infuriating, absolutely selfish and vulgar habit to indulge in. Oh sure, I’ve heard all the protests and excuses about “being asleep” and “can’t help it” and other such pish, but people don’t go walking around all day wheezing and snuffling like the last laboured breathes of some tortured soul, and if they did someone would probably call them an ambulance. Or at the very least ask them to leave the bar. But come night time, oh no, crack on. Give it your all, it’s allowed – and you snorers out there will be blissfully unaware of the misery your causing to whoever is unfortunate enough to be in your vicinity. Why? Because you will be sleeping. And they won’t be. Because of you.

I have marginal more tolerance for those that try the many options out there (aside from my own testiness with the subject, it cannot be healthy for whatever is clearly having big sodding issues within their respiratory systems to be able to produce noise like that) to try help kick the habit. I also have marginal more tolerance for those who have a patch of light in their dark souls, and will try to give their room mates/partners/area codes a fighting chance of getting to sleep first before themselves and the braying starts. It softens the blow at least.

I can just about cope with the Gentle Wheezers. I’m not a fan, I don’t think it’s ok, but as long as I have ear plugs I can cope. Just.

The Unexpected Once Off-ers, silent apart from a totally random violent rent through the air inevitably just as you’re dozing off, thank you, a heart condition is what I’ve always wanted. Almost as bad as the Builder Uppers. Kick em, they go back to Gentle Wheeze but it won’t be long before it builds into the usual deafening crescendo. The only small satisfaction to be had is when they do one so brutal they wake themselves up with an ‘uuurrrr’. That’s right love, that’s not Voldemort attacking, that’s your bloody nostrils.

But then there’s the worst. The unforgivables. The ones I would gladly smother with a pillow whilst gleefully cackling with joy. The Travelling Snorer. The Travelling Snorer Who Thinks It’s Acceptable To Sleep In Dorm Rooms. And there ain’t no gentle wheezing about these. These are the ones who sound like Darth Vadar in his death throes after years of cocaine abuse, the monstrous snorting animals of the night. Ok, we get it, you’ve got problems, you’re in denial, you got picked to play the palm tree in the nativity at primary school, WHATEVER. But for Christ sake will you stop inflicting your godforsaken sinus issues on the rest of the world who’ve had long exhausting days too, and would also like to be able to get some sleep.

Nearly every hostel I’ve ever stayed in has some kind of sign saying “please keep the noise down” “quiet after 11pm”, to quote the one I’m in now “no stomping after 12am”, one even said this:

And I don’t do any of these things. I don’t stomp. If I had some inexplicable sleeping condition that meant I compulsively turned up music full blast whilst snoozing I’d be kicked out. But for some unknown reason they’ve got away with it for years, bellowing and blustering their way through nights around the world, causing abject distress, rage, headaches and ruined early morning tours for the innocents in the back packing world. I get it yeh, we’re all one big global family and I’m as much full of love, peace and flowers as the next guy. But not when your windpipes would do Satan proud and are that ferocious that they actually vibrate the bed frame. Then you can cock right off.

I’ve had many a heated debate about this, but I’m sticking to my guns. Hostels should have separate rooms for snorers. Then they can all lie and out thunder each other to their hearts content – I imagine it would be like the dawn chorus from Hades itself -and lets see how chirpy they are in the mornings. (I had a particularly delightful discussion with a friend about this once who said, wide eyed with pity: “imagine going into a normal dorm and then snoring and then being consigned to the snoring dorm the next day! How awful!!” Its an image I still treasure to this day) Alas, the debate still rages and we have yet to win the cause. I believe in a just world, a bright future and sleep for all. But until then if you are one if these accursed possessed snoring devils of the darkness, please please do the rest of us a favour and book yourselves and your hell risen nasal passages A PRIVATE ROOM.

(Any complaints about the peevish nature of this subject can be directed to my wonderful snoring neighbour who has so kindly kept me awake all night and allowed me to write this article. May he book dorm rooms next to night clubs filled with drunken 18 year olds on their first time travelling and never sleep again. Amen)