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So as you know, I live on Koh Phi Phi, and it’s beautiful, it’s a beautiful island and a beautiful life. But just so those of you freezing to death in other places around the world dont get too jealous, I’ve decided to share with you the dark side of paradise. The ten most irritating things about living in heaven. Enjoy!

1) BICYCLES (and their godforsaken bells) – as anyone that’s been here will know Phi Phi doesn’t have any roads, so no cars or mopeds but thousands of bicycles. The streets are narrow, the people are many, the bicycles are never ending. And they won’t stop for you, oh no, they will ring their infernal bells until your brain reverberates and you feel like murdering the nearest living thing, and if they don’t have bells they will literally bawl “beeep beeeeeep beeeeeeeep” at you until your ears bleed. And don’t get me started on the bright spark that’s got a squeaky duck attached to his handle bars instead of a bell. Expect hysterical shouting and bruised ankles.

Which leads on to:

2) People walking in lines across the street. The streets are narrow, I’m usually in a rush and there is always ALWAYS that group that look like the walking results of a lobotomy, spread out in a line, taking up the entire path, ambling along without a thought in their heads. This has always made me murderous, but especially here as there is no other way round. I’d like to say I’m sorry about all the times I’ve kicked people in the back of the knees, but I’m really not. I enjoy it.

3) Mosquitoes – a fairly universal nuisance, but the ones here I’m beginning to think must be the results of some kind of government experiment. I was waging war with a particular one in my room for three days, and when I finally got it and had a closer look it was, truly, monstrous. I’ve never seen anything like it. I permanently have so many bites I’m considering a blood transfusion, and THEY ARE SO ITCHY. All of the time. I actually looked up the purpose of mosquitoes to try and understand why they are here other then to piss us off everyday and apparently it’s to be dinner for bats. Who knew.

4) The staff at 7/11 – because they’re so painfully, excruciatingly ,sloooooooow. Seriously guys, it does not take 15 seconds to slide the till closed. Many a time I have thrown my Milo down in exasperation and stormed out to Fresh Mart.

5) Permanently infected cuts. I haven’t owned a pair of shoes in nearly 5 months, I don’t think many people on this island do. It’s all very liberal and exotic, until you get the inevitable cuts, which will inevitably get infected. Then it’s not liberal or exotic, it’s painful and makes walking a nightmare.

6) The drunken come ons – as I’ve said before this island should be sponsored by testosterone. Literally getting laid here is like a pass time, the people like a walking buffet, just pick what you want. Unfortunately for those that don’t indulge so often, it gets tedious. No I don’t want to come home with your sorry, red, sweating, drunk ass as you lurch out the shadows on to me. I don’t care where you’re from, I don’t care how long you’ve been travelling, you have no need to know my name, yes you’re actually you’re drooling and please move away from me, I don’t want to hurt you because I can’t be bothered with the effort. But I will.

7) Homesickness. It’s unavoidable. It sucks. Sometimes you just need a cuddle from particular people. And they’re really really far away….

8) Being ignored whilst selling boat tickets. I know there’s a lot of PR’s on this island, but we’re just trying to stay alive, and sometimes we’d like to have a little chat with you! A polite “no thank you”, or even a “fuck off” is better then the total non-reaction. It makes me think I haven’t said anything at all when I know I have, which makes me anxious and a little piece of my soul dies each time, I don’t like it, don’t do it to me! Besides my boat is actually one of the bestnon the island so you really should stop and listen to what I have to say, I’m just trying to make sure you have a good time! 😉

9) Asia madness/problem brain. Three buckets and untold tequila on a regular basis can interfere with normal thought patterns. Yes I’m deranged when I’m drunk, and during the day if I forget what I’m saying half way through a sentence.. please bear with me. It usually comes back within the hour.

10) No Air Con = hot. Too hot. Waaaay too hot.

And as a personal gripe: 11) My landlord is a lunatic. God knows what issues he’s got, being many and varied that is one wild mix of personality disorders right there. I get evicted on a regular basis, he stares and shines torches in my face, wears a fannypack, and is genuinely terrifying.

So there you have it, the blue side of living the dream. Don’t get me wrong though, I love my life and all said and done things are pretty wonderful. Nothing wrong with the occasional vent though, even in paradise 🙂