Late Night Ramblings

Late Night Ramblings

Tonight I couldn’t sleep. It’s quite a regular occurrence for me, but tonight was a bit different. I didn’t want to be alone. I desperately didn’t want to be alone, and I felt the lack of companionship so much it was almost unbearable – which is not a regular occurrence for me. And almost as if it was a command I felt compelled to go for a walk. 4am on Phi Phi is a terrifying time, and, wearing a football shirt and my glasses so no one would recognise me, the horrors this island has to offer were out in force. As I negotiated my way through the streets to the beach these are some of the things I saw: a man who I would probably be friends with at home counting out a few hundred baht for a “happy ending” with a Thai lady old enough to be his mum, two guys that I know are friends squaring up to each other, some idiot girl falling for the worst pick up lines from the most dismal looking drunken mess on the island probably, and someone having a poo on the floor.
I bought myself a drink and I walked for ages, until the relentless beats of bass music, and the shrieks of revellers finally faded, until I arrived at a spot of beach where there was – nothing. And I sat down. And then I laid down. It was beautiful, all I could hear was the sea gently gurgling, all I could see was the velvet sky spotted with diamond stars, and the moon shining with all its brilliance, all I could feel was a soft breeze washing over my body, each breath like a thousand gentle kisses. There was nothing but me and this world. And I began to think about things, about those that aren’t here anymore, about the unjustifiable dislike I have for people that holiday here, about how this is the island of lost souls, about the fact that I’m with everybody all the time, but really I’m alone. All of these things would usually depress me, but tonight it was different. I felt strangely at peace with things. Maybe because being distinctly so small in such a big universe put things in to perspective.
There’s no point trying to figure things out because no one has the answers. People can theorise/believe/hope whatever, but no one knows what’s really going on. Horrible things happen, and people leave this earth and it hurts so bad. People go mad loving people that don’t love them back. People mask problems with alcohol, religion, careers, anything that works for them. But as I lay there musing all of this, it struck me that none of it really matters, none of us know when we’re going to go and none of us know what happens afterwards, the only thing you can know for sure is that where ever you are on this planet it’s beautiful, what ever the reason were all here it’s lucky, and we should try to zoom out abit and just look at who and where we are. I thought about all the people that mean the most to me in this world, and that although I haven’t seen a lot of them for a while, the love I have for them never fades, and I know that I’m lucky enough for them to always love me back.
I laid there for I don’t know how long thinking about all of this, and although I could still do with a good spoon (I never turn down a good spoon), I didn’t feel so sad anymore. And I didn’t feel alone, because I’m not. Life on this island is hectic, the people that end up here are generally on the more extreme side of things, you have to be to survive. But it’s a beautiful life, where ever we all end up, and I value every minute of it.
As I walked back, the only person to recognise me was a lovely little Thai massage girl I’m friends with. She doesn’t speak much English but we cuddle every day, I give her cigarettes and she puts this magical ointment stuff on my permanent thousands of mozzie bites. We’re friends. Her life I can’t even begin to imagine, but she’s always there with a smile on her face, and some story I can’t understand to gleefully tell me. She gave me a big hug and I felt like everything I’d been thinking before had been confirmed. No one knows why, but were lucky to be here, this planet is beautiful and we should try to make the most of every day, because I guess as cheesy as it is, no one knows what tomorrow holds.


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